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Vassar on the brain. [08 Mar 2009|01:01am]
I would like a draft of my Vassar Admissions essay. This I would like very much. Maybe an alumni reading this will telepathically send me one. Right.
Na na na na na. This is my world.

Daria on youtube would be nice right now.
What I really need right now is sleep.

I "cleaned" my room tonight. It took a long time, because I had to be careful how I had been bending. It felt good, to see the floor. There was this inner piece that came to me. I kept wrestling with the Noise, and then all of a sudden, "something stupid happened." A bag broke, and I knew I was Pushing myself when I thought to sort through it. Yet, I knew also at that moment that that was what I needed to feel closure from the Night.

[Insert awesome night poem here.]

Any hootle, So I found a bunch of my stuff. Literally found. What I uncovered was my sketch book, (I felt creeps and sparkle motion in me.) I found drawings and black and white prints.

-One that Omar took of me, with my funny post-International Hair Inc haircut.
:thinks to self: "Lisattack"

blah blah.

ok and then I caught a glimpse of an unfinished "spiral" drawing, and I gasped*

I had completely left that image. I had COMPLETELY forgotten who I was. At this point on the floor, I had already realized that I trusted myself.

(I became aware later of the "zone" feeling from cleaning/sports/doing something focused.)

When a part of myself had asked myself in my head a bit earlier, If I trusted myself, if i was scared of myself, I asked "what do you need to trust yourself?" and I responded "strength."
And myself told me, well then you Must (actually) trust yourself, because someone who did not trust themself would not respond strength. (Its such a paradox to talk about parts of yourself in anything other than 1st person it feels.)

So there and I finished the bullshit, and v-the photograph of the playground that Professor Towery loved so much. I put it up high so it looked like a window.

Physical pain scares me, sharp physical pain from repetitive motion, or instead of sharp, pain in joint, what is the word. The cold in my joints. Hurt my wrist yesterday jogging. blah blah.

Not doing things consciously scares me.

Anyway, I'm too tired and spasmy-physically right now to appreciate this writing experience anymore. I need to wake up early, do laundry (be brave) and write my Vassar essay.

I wish I had a draft at least. Whatevs, this is Vassar ET style. I just need to be strong enough to grab hold of myself again, and everything else will follow.

I miss Josh. ha ha. silly-pms.

I need closure, ona lot of things right now. And fortunetly sleep masquerades as closure at these hours.

Fuck time.

Happles of spring.soon.
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consumed by lack there of [22 Jul 2008|09:37pm]
Today started out euphoric feeling.
I went to see the Docs at 94.
Then I decided to have lunch in the park, FYI the bug are much grosser here than they are at VASSAR. Case of the comparing syndrome? Maybe.

Anyway, then I took a quick hike to Wburg and picked up my check from AS. He smoked a cigarette and we had a chat about the BS him and A are going through with trying to get a green card for her. He was really sweet to me and gave me a nice piece of paper, that I need to cash tomorrow. He said biz was slow though, unfortunately. So I decided to call JT and ask if he had any work, he said something about "switching his program up" and then we had a bad connection so he said he'd call later. I spent the train ride home w/low blood sugar and then came home and did some running around to the store and more of my pasta salad making and frantically searching for jobs on craigslist (while eating.)


So I feel consumed by the lack of job that I possess at the moment. I started to cry when I got back from the store, in the spirit of not "keeping it all in" cos my mom started bitching about me throwing away the dish gloves that DIDNT fit anyone.

I'm frustrated and bored and insecure as usual and music such as OASIS makes me feel better. And I cant seem to get the nerve to read any books just yet.

I went from take it slow to speed it up. Talking to JT for that 2 secs sounded unhopeful in terms of job stuff, so I think it upset me. Not him, it, because it made me realize that I probably can't depend on friends for work. Which is the easy road.

I need to make resumes and run them around and start to meditate again.

My room is an awful disgusting. Yes we don't like grammar here.

Last night I was on the phone with the boy for 3 hrs+ and I felt like DR on the phone. It was funny, I kept calling him "silly pants." and "awesome face." mostly pants and face.

He's the only thing that makes me feel UBER HAPPY, right NOW anyway. I listened to a v-mail from him when I got off the train and it made me chill out. His voice is so soothing.

I guess it's ok to be this awfully digustingly sappily codependent for a few more days. I need Vassar back. Haha, that's so sad, but so true.

My plans for tonight were to make different resumes and construct a myspace for art work. Lavalifecollective. ??

I feel drained though. I feel like I still need to recover and I'm not ready to socialize with too many people yet (brokeness), and yet I wish people would call me anyway and say beautiful helpful things to make me feel better.
I feel psychotically anxious.

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loco-motion [12 Jul 2008|11:43pm]
that you make me feel safe.
that you make me feel like i can be more than this self that i know.
that i dream of plants, that everything about me seems ok to you.
all the colors in my hair.all the imperfections-do you see them?
the way you play music and your awful sense of humor.
the way you dont hide-anything.
the way you want to help everyone.
swimming down deep, there isn't anything that makes you squirm.
flexible and pale flesh.

pale flesh
train pulling in
to the station
holding me like you've got no desire to
let go.
daria in your eyes
but maybe a lot more.
come a little closer, but then please let go.
where will we be?

i have never known how to live this way
and now that i do (kind a ),
i see that it is not just my now,
it is your now
it is our now

i didn't realize that being in the now meant
in now.

that it meant being there all the way,
is there a difference between "now" and being "caught up in the moment"?
i want to be around you all of the time.

i dont know how to process this,
but i like my now and i want your now.
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Vassar Feed [09 Jul 2008|02:02am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I can not sleep, so I have decided to come back to something old. Very old. In my mind ancient, only dug up for me by recently made companions. I was hoping to come upon this thing to find something in particular but instead my mind is unsettled by the night, and I write to ease the anxiety in my belly. Physical manifestations of red tongue tied sailors who are too drunk to laugh and too tired to cry. That seems to be the medium of which they operate this time of the month. In extremities. the music calms me, almost maybe. My mind is desperately curious as to what his mind writes for.This is this overly conscientious lady that dances in my mind daily, telling me that there is something wrong with my lack of excitement for certain things. I come to think tonight how limited my experience is with these things, and just now coming to know what I like after such a long hiatus of desire. I think what if, what if certain things had not frightened and stifled my desire. What if I had been confident then with that man, the one who i feel is ironically a blessing in disguise, conceptually of course. For I carry my own weight. He just taught me the beauty of challenge and although our interactions are limited, it is probably better that way, seeing as I am prone to paranoia out of habit.from lack of understanding of him, us. from lack of confidance in myself. In thinking about the past six months, i think "i want more." -- is familiar, but there is a a lack of enthusiasm in our air. I want more. And I want that more to be manifested in another's fresh excitement for me. And now i've found it and i am reluctant to share lemons. certain things are natural, yes. but i have found it and it feels like i am still fighting with myself as usual, as to whether to accept roses. no body ever gives me roses. these metaphorical roses. i feel that in causuality, there is more to his step. my step is light, my step is full of smiles. i like to complain, but my step is full of smiles. she sees it. she says "just admit it." I love the people here. is there something wrong with not feeling full force that which i am given? is there something wrong? these hands were not made for hurting. maybe i am too obsessed with rectifying old things that have been misconstrued. and maybe i am still trying to understand this self. maybe i have very few models of camparison and so i regard everything as universal, all things as same, as good and bad, as devoid of unique-ness. maybe i am just scared, as it feels i have always been. but much has intrusively scared me over the years. and i dont speak of these things. i dont speak of them because they make me shiver, they make me nausious, and yet slowly, slowly i heal. and increasingly i want to overcome. i regard everything as a challenge, and challenge brings beauty. will this be beautiful?

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honestly folks. [18 Sep 2007|12:07pm]
physics is exciting and i have cramps and i want to dye my hair blond and have art parties/reunion parties and oh my gosh i forgot how honest we all once were on this LJ thing, it amazes me. and myspace too, its ok to decide to make a scrap book of our lives. we choose what to put in it.
i'm lonely, ok. but school is here and i am aware that this shit needs to get serious. i need to get serious. up the 3.65 gpa. what biotches. i suck though really.
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hello again world [24 Oct 2006|03:46pm]
[ mood | male di gola ]

So the internet is bizarre and besides connecting with a few old friends, i have this sinking fear that most of my old friends hate me anyway for the most part. well hate is a starong word, i'm sure everyone is just busy living, life is hard but surfing the net comign across old faces there are people i'd really love to connect with.but again, it's just a lot of work.these days i think in italian and write a lot and paint when i have time and meet random boys as of late who get way too attached to me. seeing manda and casner this summer was really nice.

my space is the wave of the future, but ofcourse i'm still healing from myspace drama. that fucking *boy, i'll never understand him, but it seems as tho anger is subsiding he deleted that entry he wrote which made me feel a lot better. no reason is should take the blame for something that isn't completely my fault. i mean i've said it a lot lately but really folks it takes two to tango.

i stopped being afraid to get older when i turned 20, but now 21 is coming and i am crankier by the day and i am so afraid to lose that child like spirit that keeps me going. i meditate a lot these days to counteract anxiety and the feeling of being overwhelmed, it helps tremendously. i miss my summer's end friends like fucking hell and some of them are up here but i am way too apathetic about this whole lj thing to keep up.

i need to go to new england before it gets too cold.
cant wait until staff meetings.
all of my best friends are scattered through out the US right now except for a few, and they are having shit loads of fun. and here i am grounded in nyc, doing school work and stealing and hour to myself so as not to feel so isolated.

i met a new boy but honestly he's started to freak me out. if you know me, you know by now that i take a minute to warm up to people and then i'm like a raging fire, warm and crazy.
he kept texting me until i told him it cost me too much and then he finally stopped. i dont know.
honestly i need my space right now, but i also need to get laid and to just feel close to people in general.
i think i'm getting a fuckin sore throat which is lame.
anyways i want to give a shout out to my home girl denise.
what up denise?

ciao to those that still follow this shit.

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whatever [22 May 2006|04:01pm]
[ mood | sober ]

whats good:

job interview at a creperie near washington sq.

half naked sexy photo shoots.

what sucks:

knowing that i will not see much of betty this summer.

people forgetting to call me when they promised they'd model for me. you know who you are.

paying 8 bucks for those fancy fucks at duggal to fuck up my film.

math teachers who are full of it.

teachers who are anal about grammar.

hearing my phone buzz non stop while i am in the bathroom.

not being at all prepared for my italian final.

not having a computer and being severely overcharged by kinkos just to print out a 2 page essay.
fuck you.

not knowing how to let people down easy.

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bejeweled and bedazzled... [10 Feb 2006|12:49pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

so im free, ms. weiner never showed up.im going to get out of here and go hit up B&H ,but not before i get some food in my tummy.i feel so happy, it feels like things are going really well, im really pleased with myself for this whole school and job thing, and im even making attempts to be social.
Joyce, from math class, and I had over priced tea and dinner in tribeca last night and discussed our dating histories, that was a trip. She's really sweet. I almost went with her to a bar last night but i decided to take a bath and catch up on some very much needed zzzz's.She came over though and cut my hair.Now i have bangs and they look sexy. I look like my mom when she was my age, in all of her nicely tanned in florida bikini pix.she even had blond hair then too.i am satisfied. and tonight i finally get to see maria.i'd missed her for a long time.
Hmm also Joyce is joining the navy, which shocked me, but she'll just be artillery and do it for the opportunities.--->So i walked into a navy office for the first time yesterday
"Hey guys this is my friend VEnUs, she hates the Navy."

atleast she wont ship off til apr.24. we are going to MOTHERFUCKER together next weekend.and im going to try to get a hold of Holly, cos the NY Dolls are playing ( @ Avalon)


ps.great skiing rates this winter check it out. www.killington.com

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ew [08 Feb 2006|01:34pm]
ari is so mean.
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happy birthday to me [06 Feb 2006|04:52pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

I saw a cute girl today in school, we smiled at one another and then i spent the whole of english tutoring staring at the back of her head from across the room.I finally got the manual for my camera, and accepted the idea that i am taking color and not black and white photo.
i feel tired and bummed out today.even though 6 hours is perfectly acceptable to me.i think the worst part is a mild hangover and the fact that i gotta be present in school on my bday.

joey made us one of his famous cheese cakes and introduced us to his cute west coast friend.and matt who's also cute.
i think i used up all my cheer this weekend.getting lots of attention is super fun, especially from boys, since i kept myself away from them so much this past year and a half.i wish id spent more time with johanna at my house on friday and i wish i didnt eat 5 lbs of chocolate and gummy candies this weekend, or so it feels.
Last night i lit a candle for my dad very briefly and sebastian and i poured out some tequila.i hate being on fucking meds i always feel depressed the day after i drink.
im such a nut job i started yelling at my math professor today, for being so vague and dumb,despite the fact that she deserved it, i felt like an ass afterwards.
And tonight im unfortunately all celebrated out, gotta wake up and make mad loot tmrw morning with sebastian.
tonight all's i got is icecream cake and a 9 o clock bedtime.

and my stomach is too weak from all the tequila,coca cola, cheese cake, and chocolate for me to even want icecream.

i hope to get telephone calls tonight.

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dance parties,dinner parties, lemon bars,margaritas,and tequila sauza.. [30 Jan 2006|11:46am]
Well school and i certainly seem to be getting along.
Besides the fact that i am broke and now according to my schedule it is that much harder to get a job.
and to hell with craigslist for charging you to post adds.
and to hell with ugly smelly couches that are too heavy and that much harder to get out of my apartment because the idiots that made it decided to round the edges.
CT was ok, i felt like crying alot when i got back.things felt so much simpler there.
atleast maybe i'll drink some more Tequila Sauza next weekend in celebration of 19 finally being over.
my stupid cats are so much work to take care of, but i cant bare the idea of letting them out on the street.
screw this journal thing, it just makes me feel lonelier.

it makes much more sense to talk to real people.
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math ergh [26 Jan 2006|04:27pm]
[ mood | stuck on stupid ]

i just had my first class, i suck. i hate math. remediate my ass. also i hope that mercedes shows all of us that she is not a total bitch soon. whats the deal with her? florida,atlanta who cares its all the same to us, time is just dragging on.and you know unfortunately i feel like our friendship might be coming to a close, because through all the little lies and aggravation,i am getting sick of her.each time its more and more bullshit with her.whatever everybody's got an attitude,including me.and i am just trying to feel better.sobriety is my enemy.new england how i miss thee. found a bunch of old poetry last night and it gave me some new life.but i still feel fucking empty and alone.i found my way into this isolation,now ive got to find a way out. too bad its not 2003 anymore. would anyone like to get me wasted for my birthday?feel free to throw in a hooker or two.

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CALLING ALL CAT LOVERS [26 Jan 2006|02:39pm]
Very soon I might have to get rid of my two cats.
both are male.
one is a red tabby approx 1 1/2 yrs old.his name is SUN.(he loves marijuana)
the other is all black w/some white, and he is 3 1/2 old aprox.his name is pinky.he also loves marijuana.

neither have shots or are spayed but if and when i have to part with my cats i will be willing to pay for the spaying-that means no cat peeing all over yr house woot woot.

the decision to get rid of them is not final, but is something i am loooking into because i am not working and can not afford to properly care for them for much longer.i am starting school jan 26 as well.
i would prefer to send my cats off with someone i know, so we can all keep in touch.
i may only let one cat go or neither depending on my finances.
nonetheless if you are interested,leave me a comment.with your name and number.
thank you.
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blunt after blunt after blunt after blunt... [28 Nov 2004|08:29pm]
went to a spanish bar last night.me getting out and doing shit is weird.
spanish harlem is nuts.job need me.me need job.
where is tom matthews?

mercedes will be in NY tomorrow.even though she probably wont stay too long.gotta meet this bf of hers.if he sucks,sebastian and i will have to beat him up.
i had a hangover today,that hasnt happened in like a year.

i listened to my 18th birthday mix cd from lilith today,and alot of beatles.

where are all the decent guys hiding??
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alex's fact of the day. [30 Oct 2004|04:39pm]
Because horses like to have sex with donkeys ,horses are into beastiality.
which means horses want to have sex with humans,which is why horses are kept in stables rather
than in the house,becos if kept in the house horses would almost definetly have sex with its occupants while they slumbered.

time 4:43 pm
location:CT (Wesleyan college in betty's dorm.)
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[21 Oct 2004|04:01pm]
ps my cell phone works again.
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damn [21 Oct 2004|03:39pm]
the good witch of social work is ending our case next week.
unless the judge orders Fpp to remain in the home.
judge this,social worker that.I like Donna alot
and I think that she should stay.
She didnt yell at Hedy per say,she just spoke loudly,thats the way she talks.
I am tired of all this shit.
I want Sandy to come home.
I need my space,which i have very little of right now.
I am taking my GED nov 15th,17th.
I feel so incredibly lonely,yet when i am around people i dont have words.
I got a cavity filled the other day,it didnt hurt to eat on it before(maybe once or twice),and now it hurts when i eat on it all the time.alittle ironic,i think.
i'm going to go paint,thats the only thing that'll make me feel better.
Besides herb, but i dont have any & im try to smoke less.

happy birthday SANDY.
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[30 Sep 2004|05:43pm]
I ran into Cassie on spring street last night after class.
And today as I got off the train on 51 street,and I was walking down the platform to the E train, I saw the back of Nixie's head in another car and I knocked on the window and said hi to her.


Might go to a Bent Outta Shape and Japanther show tomorrow night.

And maybe ERic pertersOn saturday night.

My mom is home and she seems to be ok.
It's nice to have her home.
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fuck ya'll [19 Sep 2004|03:20pm]
[ mood | amused ]

day three at wesleyan we got so fuct up last night and i played spin the bottle and ....regretted it.
he's on a roll,she found a phishhead and i was the only one rolling solo last night,but its alll good.we hit up mad parties.
looks like we're taking greyhound back late tonight(.instead of hitching.)
cos sebastian needs to be in school early tmrw,and we decided to stay late and chill and meet people instead of leaving early this morning-and we probably wouldve gottten arrested on I-95,cos its a common thing.

my little taste of hitchhiking just got me ready for more!

i wish we were hitching back.

im such an angry little punk rocker,its great.
new york all the way,fuck snobby rich IVY League kids.
but some of them are fun to party with.

more next time...

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you are a part of the soul of the world now & i [18 Sep 2004|04:35am]
have successfully made it to CT.

I'm at wesleyan and i got here without any money.

and sebastian and mercedes are here with me too at betty and lyuba's dorm.

hell yea.

fuck bitter bumfucks who are just jealous becuase there souls never got to live and be free and experience true love.

and mad luck and good karma to all the nice people who picked us up.

Hoping to visit my mom more at williamsbridge manor in BX,NY.
And see Sandy at some point soon(,without getting into deep shit ofcourze.)

"So what do you guys do besides hitch rides to colleges?" -Goerge from
New haven who made us pastahe was a death penalty lawyer.

"We smoke pot,paint,read,write,go to dumb appointment and try to fight the system."
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